Friday, December 4, 2009

Zombies or Vampires

- Which are more likely to kill you?

Author: Larry Truett

I am often asked by people if it would be worse to have zombies or vampires chasing them. If the question has the same number of vampires or zombies in pursuit then you definitely want the zombies over the vampires.

Zombies are much slower and dumber than vampires.

Zombies do not have superpowers of any kind. A vampire may have a number of superpowers. These include being able to fly, transforming into another creature, mind reading or mind control, and looking sexy. This gives the vampire a serious edge over the zombie.

Zombies will probably chase you in a pack, but not in an organized pack. And the zombie pack will likely be easily distracted. If vampires are hunting in a pack then they will be extremely organized and focused.

However, vampires are much less likely to be hunting in a pack than zombies are. The realistic question is then, "Would you be better off being hunted by a group of zombies or a single vampire?"

Generally, you would still choose the pack of zombies over the single vampire, but there are exceptions.

Zombies do not have many rules they must follow, just plod and eat. Vampires tend to have a number of rules that they must adhere to, some of which may be used to your advantage.

If it is close to sunrise there is a good chance the vampire will need to hide from the sun. If you can make it to daybreak you are safe. Maybe.

If you have holy water, garlic, a crucifix, or a church handy then you might be able to repel the vampire with those. Risky gambit though - less and less vampires are superstitious.

Vampires can not ordinarily enter a home without an invitation. If you are close to home, and have not foolishly invited the vampire inside, then you might have a chance if you can make it to your house.

If the vampire is merely seeking a meal, and does not have a personal vendetta with you, then you might be able to offer the vampire an easier or better meal. This may be the perfect opportunity to dispose of that pesky neighbor or relative. Unfortunately, the vampire will likely remember this and come back again and again. If this happens you might want to start a list of "candidates".

If any these seem to be the case, then sure, go for the single vampire over the zombie hoard. Really be certain, though - vampires are generally quite vicious.

If none of those exceptions seem to fit your predicament then choose the zombies. Cheer up. Under the right circumstances eluding a pack of zombies may be possible.

Zombies can rarely operate a vehicle, so if you can find a car or helicopter you might well get to safety. Probably best to avoid the helicopter if you don't know how to fly one, as a nasty crash is just as deadly as being mauled by zombies. Even if a crash didn't kill you, being injured and then found by zombies would be no picnic. So be really sure you won't crash before selecting any vehicle.

No vehicle? Zombies are unlikely to be targeting you as an individual. They probably just want to eat any human flesh. If you give them an easier meal or make yourself hard to catch they will forget all about you. If you are anywhere near a crowded public place you should try and lead the zombies there. Obvious targets are shopping malls, hospitals, or schools. Some of you might be squeamish at the notion of leading a pack of zombies into a crowd. Be pragmatic. If there is a full blown zombie invasion, and the zombies are already near a public place, then the zombies descending on the unwary is inevitable. You are just getting things over more quickly. If you want to run through the crowd screaming "the zombies are coming" to warn the others, go ahead. A lot of panicked people running in all directions can only help your escape.

No crowds or vehicles around? If these are the usual slow zombies you might be able to outrun them. This seems easy at first, but zombies don't need to sleep or even rest. You need to get completely out of their sight for them to forget about you. This will be harder where there are no hills, such as in the desert or Kansas. If you are near a lake or body of water you might try to swim away. Zombie boyancy isn't well covered in most of the journals, so you are doing some ground breaking research with an attempted aquatic escape.

Bottom line, both of these rascals can be problematic, but the zombies might be slightly less so than vampires.

Read more about vampires and zombies at

About the Author:

I'm a vegan freelance PHP and MySQL programmer living in the San Carlos neighborhood of San Diego with my wife and our 3 cats. I enjoy hiking, reading, gardening, watching too much television, and other nerdy activites.

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